Misadventures of Fat Ernie Chapter 4

The Great Western Exodus
Chris Parker

You wouldn’t call Ernie’s Great Western Exodus hard, exactly. You might call it a pain in the ass. If you were alive. But you’re not. Only Ernie is alive. He definitely found it a pain in the ass, especially after having driven over several thousand people (he’d lost count once he hit I-10 and made his turn West) who had the bad manners to fall out of their cars and into the road when they died. Bastards. It was like driving over three hundred miles of speed bumps.

“I’ve probably got a rash, now,” Ernie reflected audibly, then snapped his head around at the odd sensation of talking to no one. Well… madness is probably the least of his worries at this point.

Swerving through the stopped cars was fun, though. Ernie pretended he was driving extra fast, somehow possessing the strength of will to weave through traffic moving a measly 60 mph as he soared in excess of 300. In reality, it was slow going, so the pretend game was just there to preserve his sense of cool, without which he might be in serious danger of losing his sanity.

There was something not quite right about this whole thing, he surmised. Something not quite right about everyone being dead. And everyone was definitely dead. He scanned the radio for life and found nothing but dull, empty hisses. Not even talk radio. And if talk radio wasn’t broadcasting, everyone was definitely dead.

What act could have possibly killed every living thing on the entire planet? It boggled the mind. Of course, lots of things boggled Ernie’s mind: The lack of nudity on network television; the absence of socialized grocery delivery; why, in spite of his vigorous fifteen minute a week exercises with his prized Wii Fit seem to have little impact on his growing corpulence. These things hurt Ernie’s head significantly enough that the current problem was well out of reach.

Of course, there had to be a reason for his continued existence. Surely having a particularly nasty bowel movement wasn’t the secret to surviving whatever catastrophe befell the rest of man. Ernie knew for a fact that three or four other folks in line at the Taco Gordito ordered the chili—they’d have to be alive, too. But no, Ernie could feel with a surety as strong as his renewed hunger.

Actually, he began contemplating another stop at the closest Bingo Burger when he became overcome by the distinct sensation that he was being followed. Which is just, well, you know… not right.


  1. The Misadventures of Fat Ernie « The Binary Biker - January 22, 2010

    […] 2: Britney’s Nipples by Chris Parker 01/28/09 Chapter 3: Bingo Burger by Ron Sparks 02/02/09 Chapter 4: The Great Western Exodus by Chris Parker 02/02/09 Chapter 5: Another Survivor by Ron Sparks 02/05/09 Chapter 6: Ernie Gets […]

  2. Misadventures of Fat Ernie Chapter 3 « The Binary Biker - February 25, 2010

    […] Now that he had a plan, Ernie quickly finished his meal and hit the road – and not a few dead bodies. Previous Chapter | Return to Index | Next Chapter […]

  3. Misadventures of Fat Ernie Chapter 5 « The Binary Biker - February 25, 2010

    […] Previous Chapter | Return to Index | Next Chapter […]

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