10 Things You NEVER Want to Feel

Stoicism is my best friend. I know I’ve been MIA for a while, people, but I figure it’s beter than subjecting the teeming masses with my moodiness. I’m still deep in recovery; it takes time you know. I was always the “brooding poet” – but I still haven’t figured out how to say goodbye to an 18-year love affair.

I’ve made mistakes these past six months – a lot of them – and much of my reclusiveness of late is my way of trying to avoid making more. Forgive me my friends – you are constantly on my mind.

That said, I took stock the day after New Years and decided to make a lst of the 10 worst feelings I’ve had lately – in no particular order. They’re kinda depressing, but it gives some insight into what’s going on in my fucked-up little head.

10 Things You Never Want to Feel

1. A feeling of utter and desolate loneliness while making love to a beautiful woman.

2. That ripping at the heartstrings when you find out your ex-wife’s ringtone for you celebrates her “freedom” from you.

3. Looking around as the New Year rings in and seeing nothing familiar.

4. Wrapping Christmas presents for your children alone.

5. Knowing that there are good people out there – friends, lovers, partners – who you intentionally avoid because you can’t stand to see the broken shell of who you are reflected in their piteous glances.

6. Being so close to having it “fall into place” financially, even after getting raked across the coals, and having a surprise debt that you knew nothing about put you back on square one – broke and living paycheck-to-paycheck.

7. Driving a vehicle that symbolizes everything foul about your broken relationship. A convertible bug bought with broken promises and declarations of undying love just days before your world fell apart.

8. Looking in the mirror each morning and having a very difficult time finding anything salvageable.

9. Not knowing who you are.
   
   
10. Not knowing if you are capable of love anymore.